Life lately with OCD...

Well, it's been a hot minute since I've posted a blog post, but I have a bit of an excuse...

I GOT MARRIED! **Que the confetti**

So, yes, the last seven months have been BUSY. Planning for a wedding, planning for a honeymoon, going through with the wedding, and, well- I just got back from Alaska. (Yes, people thought we were crazy for going to Alaska for a honeymoon).

What I can say about all of it is, this season caught me off guard. It's often said that woman dream about their wedding day since the day they were a little girl. Honestly, I can say I never felt that way. I obviously looked forward to it, and started my wedding Pinterest board in college, but I never was like "dreaming" about my wedding day. However, the last few months before our wedding day- I did. I started dreaming about all the terrible things that could happen on that day. One of my dreams was a tornado came through the venue and destroyed everything the day of. One of them was that the hair and makeup lady never showed up.... It goes on.

Needless to say, I was stressy messy. But excited. Oh I was so excited. Now, if you've been following my blog posts you know I was finally diagnosed with OCD late last year. Which, fortunately, treatment with NOCD was a life changer and I am no longer locked in the chains of OCD. BUT, our wedding day tested all the things I learned in treatment.

Here's one thing I took away from my wedding day I wish other brides could know- don't get too caught up in timelines. Now, I was told this too, but did I listen? I tried... But ultimately, no. (Oh, also my wedding coordinator sucked so she wasn't very helpful in keeping things on time.) I was so caught up in the timeline of everything that I felt rushed ALL DAY. Granted, we were running late, so I was constantly checking the clock. Also, I was more anxious and stressed than I was expecting. One of my OCD struggles is being punctual. I get a very uncomfortable feeling when I am not on time.

My fiancé and I had been living together for a couple of years prior to the wedding and we also chose to do a private first look and vow reading. I was expecting that these two things alone would make the ceremony and the ultimate decision of marriage a piece of cake on the day of. I was wrong, very wrong. My anxiety was SO bad all day.

Like heart palpitations, air hunger, dizziness- the whole bit. I didn't have a panic attack (thank goodness), but the anxiety was definitely there. During the ceremony I literally had to perform box breathing and zone out on the sermon just to remain standing.

Long story short- my OCD and anxiety flared the day of the wedding. Which, to be honest, is to be expected. I guess it just caught me off guard.

Since I have been dealing with anxiety for so long, and recently completed OCD treatment, here are some tools I used to manage my anxiety that day:

• Response prevention messages- these were a game changer. Anytime my OCD would cause me to use a "what if" statement, I simply responded, "I guess maybe that could happen" and redirected my energy. I now know that these what if statements don't need to hold any space in my mind. I have mastered how to let these come and let them go.

• Box breathing- in for five. Hold for five. Out for five. Hold for five.

• Not obsessing on my air hunger. I have this thing called air hunger where it never feels like I can get a full satisfying breath when I am anxious. This is so annoying, and I've learned that the more I obsess over getting rid of it, the more it is there. So, I took deep breaths when I could, and when I didn't feel satisfied I reminded myself, this won't last forever.

• Somatic OCD- part of my OCD was freaking out about my heart palpitations. My mind would spiral and convince myself I was actually having a heart arrhythmia and going to die. Fortunately, through OCD treatment I have now been able to recognize the feeling and not let it bother me quite as much. Usually by using response prevention messages. Guess what- now I have them less. Funny how that works.

If some of these things seem confusing to you, don't worry, I think I will write a blog post specifically about each of these. I am sure someone else can relate- because through many of my OCD online binge research sessions I learned that a lot of people also question these things and want answers.

Anyway- this blog post is basically me saying- I AM BACK! But also sharing some of the lessons I learned through my wedding season as an anxious, OCD girly.

At the end of the day, one thing I am proud of myself for is I stayed present through the whole thing. Stress and joy together. I knew this is the one time in my life this will happen and I am grateful I get to experience it. Remember to always be grateful and appreciate it. Even the stressful moments. It won't last forever, and it is likely to help you grow.

Much love,

Tay