I was Diagnosed- with OCD.

I am sure you have heard of OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) before. You know, the funny quirk where people need things spotless, or wash their hands a bunch of times because they are scared of germs? Like the old show "Monk"? He had OCD. Or when people straighten a book on the bookshelf with a reasoning of "oh, its just my OCD". Heard that before? Doesn't sound so bad does it.

WRONG.

This year after about 12 years, I finally learned what was wrong with my brain. For once in my life I got a diagnoses that made sense, and gave me something plausible to work with. Within two months of OCD ERP treatment, my general anxiety has been reduced in half, and my OCD specific anxiety has been reduced by 75%.

One thing I can tell you off the bat, is OCD is no joke. It's not just a silly "quirk", and its not just wanting things clean. It's truly a living hell inside your head. Your own inner bully that is relentless in causing you fear and doubt yourself. It's nicknamed the Doubting Disorder for a reason.

For years, I've always felt like something in my brain was different, or wrong. I've seen five different therapists from my eating disorder at 14 years old, to now at 28. I've tried all the breathing techniques, the grounding exercises, the tapping, the cold vagus nerve stimulation (which does help for panic attacks by the way), talk therapy, and so many other ways to reduce anxiety -to no avail. The anxiety kept hanging on, and it seemed that it would cyclically get worse for a bit and then go away throughout periods of my life.

Now that I look back with this new diagnoses, of course it makes so much sense. My eating disorder was driven largely by OCD thoughts and fears. That episode lasted about a year or longer. I had another OCD episode at about seventeen that lasted about six months. I then had another OCD episode after college that lasted for almost a year until I got on anxiety medication. Now, I am just coming out of another OCD episode.

Each episode was about something different, but it felt the same. The constant anxiety, the intrusive thoughts, the repetitive reassurance seeking, praying, googling, or confessing to rid myself of the anxiety for a short time- only for it to come back again full fledge.

In short, OCD is a fear driven disorder- hence why it can cause anxiety and depression. Your brain interprets specific stimuli as dangerous when it may not actually be. Then, it gets stuck on that, and each time you think of it it causes a large amount of fear and anxiety. That fear and anxiety drive you to think about it more, so you do something (compulsion) to reduce the anxiety and it works for a little bit, until it comes back. Its a terrible cycle and the harder you try to stop thinking about it, the more you do.

There are different subtypes of OCD- contamination OCD, relationship OCD, harm OCD, Pure OCD, real event OCD- the list goes on. So yes, some people exhibit fears and anxiety around cleanliness and often fear of spreading a deadly disease because they don't want to hurt others. But not everyone that has OCD likes has this fear.

For me, my most recent episode was real event OCD. Honestly, I am still coming out of the throws of it, but finally feeling like I can manage it. I've dealt with relationship OCD, and food specific OCD episodes in the past.

Generally, OCD will latch onto someone's values and core fears. Working with a therapist specialized in OCD can help you determine your core fears and create ERP (Exposure response prevention) exercises around them to slowly diminish he anxiety and fear around that subject. This is why many people with OCD are truly some of the kindest people around- because they are so terrified of hurting others, hurting themselves, saying something wrong etc.

Core fears can range from a multitude of things- and learning how to debunk these core fears is the key to healing and overcoming OCD. Also, someone with OCD may always struggle with intrusive thoughts etc., but you learn how to manage it without anxiety.

My core fears are "not being good enough" and "losing control". My therapist and I were able to uncover these, and we are now tackling these at their core.

If you feel like you could be struggling with OCD, I strongly recommend seeking a therapist trained in ERP therapy. ERP is one of the best ways to treat OCD. Talk therapy (CBT) often doesn't work and can make symptoms worse. I receive treatment from NOCD- an online provider. They do take insurance. It is pricey but worth it.

I hope you check it out!

Here are some free resources-

1. OCD and Anxiety on YouTube- handle @ocdandanxiety

2. NOCD free app

3. Lauryn on TikTok- handle @los_life)

4. Myself on Tiktok or Lemon8- Taylor Elizabeth, handle @foodiewithintent

(This blog is not sponsered)