Sometimes, it's Not Your Problem to Fix.

People that are highly empathetic and enjoy helping others can exhaust themselves trying to fix someone that doesn't want to fix themselves. I would know, because I have been there.

As a highly empathetic friend and partner, it is easy for me to identify an issue and get wrapped up in trying to solve it. Even if the other person isn't interested in fixing any behavior, or healing. I let this very situation almost destroy me in my last relationship which turned out to be very toxic and abusive. Learning how to walk away from a problem that isn't yours to fix is one of the biggest and hardest lessons I've learned.

At this time, the guy I was seeing had some major issues. After being with him for a couple of years, I feel comfortable saying that he had abandonment, anger, and deep seeded trust issues. To which he used control, alcohol, and other substances to cope with. On top of this, he struggled with bad ADHD that he used as an excuse for almost everything. This mix of problem soup was perfect for a naïve problem solver such as myself.

Growing up learning how to handle toxic situations at home, receiving therapy for my eating disorder, and losing many family members early on made me feel like I had the tools needed to help. I desperately wanted too and tried. I thrived on believing I was making a difference in his life and the external praise I received from his family when they applauded me for "sticking around".

In way to many instances, I let my boundaries be crossed and forgave too many times believing change was coming. The issue was I failed to recognize that the more boundaries I let get crossed and the more forgiveness I gave, the more I was disrespecting myself. This was not helping him, or me and eventually led to a very abusive situation.

I spent so much energy trying to help him by pointing out toxic patterns and behaviors, coaching on how to work through anxiety and anger, encouraging to go to couples counseling, and more that I didn't have anytime to work on me. Years later, I now realize there was a lot of growth of my own that was hindered due to me focusing so much on helping this other person. When it comes down to it, you can only help someone that wants to help themselves. If he wanted to change for the better- he would have taken the initiative and made it happen. Unfortunately, some people get stuck in the victim mindset, striving off of self-inflicted drama that they don't know how to live without.

Eventually, when it got to the point that he began disrespecting my basic human rights, name calling, destroying things, and using fear as a method of control- I was in too deep. The relationship was bad and it was only getting worse- no matter how hard I tried to help. At this point, I knew that the only thing left to do was walk away and hope that that lesson was the one he needed to finally get the true professional help he needed.

A relationship should not be a project.

Let me say that again... A relationship should NOT be a project. Relationships are built from friendship, respect and love for another person. Mutual respect is expected and should be received, if it is not you are not required to stay. Relationships should allow you to be free to grow and learn about yourself, while enjoying life with someone you trust by your side.

3 Signs of a Toxic Partner

1. The behaviors of the other person are directly negatively impacting your emotional, physical, or mental well-being.

2. Your boundaries are not being respected.

3. Their words do not match their actions.

I believe that if these three things are happening you need to remove or limit yourself from their presence to protect yourself. In most cases they are dealing with issues that they need to solve on their own in order for your relationship to work. You can encourage them to seek help, but you do not need to be their therapist or mentor. That is not your job.

If you feel like you are in this situation, the best thing you can do is set a healthy boundary and walk away. This is commonly how abusive relationships develop, even if they aren't in the beginning.

If this is happening to you, or someone you love, make sure to reach out for help. There are amazing people ready to help you. Check out some of the contacts below:

• Better Help- betterhelp.com

• Domestic Violence Hot Line 800-799-7233