Isolation in Abuse

A big part of my abusive relationship was isolation from family and friends. This happened slowly over time, and through manipulation.

"Isolating victims is another way that abusers exert their power over their partners. Friends and family members may not recognize the extent of the abuse when victims become isolated from others." (1)

Isolation can happen basically two ways. One, the victim is embarrassed or scared of their partners behavior and chooses to isolate, or because their partner doesn't want them to see others and doesn't allow them.

In my case it was a little of both. I recognized that some of the behavior he exhibited, especially while drinking, was highly embarrassing. A night out almost ALWAYS ended in an argument, either between us or he managed to piss someone off (red flag-he was kicked out of every bar in town). Generally the evening consisted of blaming others, acting rude, discussing inappropriate topics, and usually frustrating those around us. For me, it became easier to just not go to friends houses and make excuses to not hang out with others.

As time went on, those around me recognized some of the abusive behavior I was blind too, and tried to protect me. When he realized this, he began trying to convince me that they were not good people to be around and they were "sabotaging" our relationship . He would constantly bad mouth them and try and make me believe they were bad people. This happened with my dad, brother, and best friend.

As he continued to bad-mouth my closest loved ones, I began to detach. This is when I started seeing the relationship for what it truly was. One night in particular we had been arguing, and I called my best friend crying. I wanted to talk to her and she insisted she come pick me up and we go grab a drink. I was so scared of what he would do if I left that I told her not too. She did it anyway. I told him where I was going and for how long. The entire time we were gone my phone was blowing up- I was being blamed and accused. My best friend looking me in my eye and telling me to stop checking my phone. He was a grown man, and shouldn't be acting this way. As I continued to make excuses for him, I remember her looking at me and saying, "You are so brainwashed".

When she first said that, I instantly was mad at her. But before reacting I took a second to humble myself and realize that, maybe, she was right. It was the slap in the face I needed. From there on, I started really recognizing the manipulation that was happening. It was in that moment that I finally stepped outside of myself and looked at what was happening from a third person point of view. I was so stuck in the vicious cycle of excuse making and believing the manipulation, that I couldn't see it until that night.

Isolation is one of the strongest ways that abusers gain control over their victim. In isolation it makes it easier for the abuser to get away with inappropriate behavior and make them seem like the "good guy". It can make the victim feel powerless and paranoid.

3 Ways to Know if you are being Isolated

1. Your partner puts down those closest to you and tries to convince you why you don't need them, shouldn't see them, or how they are bad for you. Keep in mind, this is usually with people you have known your entire life- family, best friends etc. Generally people you have never had an issue with. Especially if that person doesn't like your partner, you can almost guarantee that your partner will try and isolate you from them.

2. You find yourself declining invitations and making excuses rather than joining the party. This doesn't necessarily need to be a party, but you get my point. You find yourself not showing up to things you usually would have loved to do in the past. Bringing your partner with you makes you anxious and unhappy.

3. Others start to notice. Others around you start to ask questions or begin pulling away thinking you don't like them anymore.

My goal with this blog is to help educate others about how to recognize isolation for themselves, or help someone else going through this. It is a very hard situation to be in, but a scarier one if you don't get out. Believe me, love with a healthy partner can look like going to things together with comfort and trust.

If you know someone that is being isolated by an abusive partner, the best thing you can do is be there for them and continue reminding them what healthy love can look like. It may take time, but patience is key.

Sources:

(1)https://www.kgfamilylaw.com/the-role-of-isolation-in-domestic-violence/